Hmmm...

I'm still young enough to dream big dreams. Still young enough to make mistakes that can somehow be corrected, maybe.

Woke up this morning inspired and ready to clean this disaster of a room I live in. Make breakfast, wash clothes, sort through loads of random shit, that when ordered correctly, somehow create this accurate picture of me. Pictures of my mom when she was 17, when she was my age, when she was here three years ago. Pictures of an old boyfriend, the last two I didn't burn because I thought it might be a great story to tell my daughter one day. My sisters, back when there was still time...

Now, everything seems fast forwarded and akward. I don't know what to say to them. Everything either comes out as advice or chastisment. I can't relax around them. I remember that one time that I sat in my apartment in Austin. My electricity was out and rent was past collection. Strange men were still coming to the door at all hours of the night and I seemed forgotten by the people who mattered most to me in my bit of the world. I was lonely. And scared, but mostly lonely.

I assured myself that a new point of view was all I needed, and that moving away would be great. I could just take a back pack and what little bit of money I had and got on a bus to some other city. I wish I had been brave enough to do that. But I wasn't. I wrote letters to each member of my family, telling them I would disappear for a few years, and then return. Told them I loved them, despite all the faults. I would miss them, sort of.

But fear, and my horrible habit of reasoning every move kept right where I was. I was obligated to do this and do that and stay right where I was. I'm still scared. Moving right within the lines... I think about all of the people I've met.

My chest is heavy with the burden of responsibility. I've always envied the free living, the travelers, the lovers, the spirits free roaming the world. Wanting to let go, like them and do what I want. When I want. How I want!

This burden to blend in... to forgive... to appreciate and notice and take over those around me... weighs so heavy sometimes. But what about me? How did I get so lost in this process of do for others?

Not that these are horrible things, just that sometimes they keep me from truly developing.
I'm scared.